1. Don't panic. Even though every time you go to open the oven a big flame and black smoke pours out and your fire alarm goes off, it is going to be ok.
2. Call your parents.
3. Your parents don't answer? Call your brother.
4. Your brother's suggestion: let it burn down, leave the oven closed. You are thinking, "But what if it dies down and the next time you open the oven a giant explosion happens... Picture Backdraft."
5. Call your Dad's cousin because he is at least in Madison, and if there is an explosion he might be able to call 911 and identify your body...
6. Make sure your phone is charged prior to fire incident... it really sucks when you realize you can't even dial 911 if you needed to...
7. Finally, take his advice and get a box of baking soda ready, then fill a Nalgene, open the oven cautiously and frantically pour the Nalgene in there. Just to be sure, do it again and make sure your oven is filled with ashy water and it's dripping all over the floor.
8. Post fire incident steps: Charge your phone, and call your brother and Dad's cousin to tell them you are in fact still in the land of the living and your apartment is intact. Look up and write down all emergency numbers for your area, police, fire, poison control, you name it. Buy a kitchen fire extinguisher; on second thought buy two. Get renter's insurance, ASAP.
9. Oh... and never ever ever, try and roast cashews in the oven again.
Seriously, why wasn't I taught this in school? Do they just assume that your common sense will serve you in a crisis? I am so ready to go to bed.
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